HOW Do You Think About Your Spouse?

by David Rollert

A while back, I watched a video about a woman explaining why she left her husband. He did not cheat on her. He was not abusive. She left him because he was “boring,” and she felt she could “do better.” Apparently, after a year of trying to catch a “higher value man” she was left lonely and depressed, aware now that the husband she threw away was actually a really good husband, even though he was not “exciting.”

This is sadly common among both husbands and wives. When you have been married for a while, you start to see all of your spouse’s shortcomings. Even if they are, in truth, a very excellent spouse, you can start to dwell more on their shortcomings than on their good qualities. Pretty soon you would be dissatisfied, imagining that your life would be better if you could find someone else without those shortcomings. This is where infidelity starts: in the mind.

Last week’s article dealt with the importance of building self-control in the little things so we can be faithful in the bigger things – like marriage. More specifically, how you think about your spouse. Not WHAT you think of your spouse, HOW you think about your spouse. Do you dwell on their faults, or on their qualities? Do you dwell on their failures, or on their successes? Do you dwell on your annoyance with them, or on your admiration of them?

Proverbs 5 speaks of being intentional with how you think about your spouse when it says: “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love” (Proverbs 5:18-19).

We all age. A person does not look the same at 50 as they did at 20. Yet, this passage talks about being satisfied by your spouse’s physical attributes “at all times,” not just while they are young. Furthermore, look again at the last phrase, “Be exhilarated always with her love.” You choose what exhilarates you! It’s about your focus. Choose to focus on all the good things about your spouse. Remember why you married them in the first place, and appreciate all the little things they do that benefit your family. Intentionally look for positive things to praise them about. Then it will be easy to be exhilarated always by his or her love.

To be fair, this does take self-control. When you have lived with someone long enough, you see ALL their faults, and familiarity can breed contempt if you focus on the negative. We live in a culture that encourages us to be judgmental and nit-picky so it’s easy to fall into this. So, in response we must intentionally exercise self-control over our thoughts to keep them on the good and not on the negative.

So, let me ask you; How do you think about your spouse? What are you going to change about your thought process so that you can be exhilarated always with his or her love?