People-Pleasing and Unintentional Lies

by David Rollert

People-pleasing is often confused with showing Christian love. Christian love intentionally puts the needs of others above one’s own selfish desires. Christian love serves a person’s NEED; however, it does not obey every whim or request that someone might make. By contrast, a people-pleaser feels an inability to say “no” to any request. A people-pleaser is defined by Webster’s dictionary as: “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of the person's own needs or desires.” They often sacrifice their health or other commitments in order to fulfill a request. People-pleasers often double- or triple-book themselves because they cannot say “no,” putting the whims of others above their own safety and well-being. This is dangerous because, for one thing, it makes them easy for users and abusers to manipulate. But there are other dangers to consider as well.

People-pleasing presents the danger of unintentional lies. When speaking about making oaths, Jesus said, “But let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’; anything beyond these is of evil.” (Matthew 5:37). How is the people-pleaser in danger of unintentionally lying? Since they have a hard time saying “no,” they agree to almost everything. When scheduling conflicts arise, they find they have agreed to be in two places at the same time. Now they will have to let someone down and they have to break one of their commitments. They did not intend to lie. Nonetheless, the end result is they now have to back out of something they had committed to doing.

People-pleasers have a tendency to be anxious people on the edge of burn out. They commit to too many things. Stress and overwhelm are their “normal,” which degrades one’s health. But, because people-pleasers cannot say “no” to any request, they are continually burning themselves out. Their health gets progressively worse until they start crashing. When this continues unchecked, a health crisis hits. They are now out of commission for an extended time in which any further commitments they made are out of the question. So, what is the answer?

For those who stumble into the trap of people-pleasing: there is a better way. Let’s go back to the words of Jesus; “But let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’; anything beyond these is of evil.” (Matthew 5:37). Before you say “yes” to anything, stop and consider. Have I said “yes” to anything else for that same time? Will saying “yes” to this request take away from time with my family, the church, or my health? Is this request from someone a genuine NEED or just a WANT?

Sometimes you serve everyone better with a simple, honest, “No.”