The Lie that “Lies Are Helpful”

by David Rollert

Lying as a form of kindness is a very old idea. Some believe that if the truth can hurt a person’s feelings or lead to uncomfortable situations, it should be avoided. If telling a “little white lie” means uncomfortable situations are averted and everyone is happy, this is obviously best. This way of thinking comes from the idea that hurt feelings and discomfort are the absolute worst things ever, and must be avoided at any cost. But, does that hold up to scrutiny?

Are hurt feelings always bad? Modern culture has turned feelings into the highest measure of truth. Thus, if you hurt a person’s feelings, then you are accused of causing them harm. However, while we must avoid being hateful or abusive, sometimes hurt feelings are necessary. In 2 Corinthians 7:8-11 Paul says that he caused the brethren sorrow. The rebukes in his previous letter were not aimed at “sparing their feelings.” His rebukes caused them to repent and change their sinful habits. Hurt feelings can be the stimulus we need to press on to maturity!

Are uncomfortable situations to be avoided at any cost? Again, our modern culture has done us a disservice. Modern life has become so comfortable that discomfort has become truly scary to many people. Avoiding discomfort has become a life goal for much of the population. However, growth never comes from comfort! Consider again the situation in 2 Corinthians. The Corinthian Christians were practicing sin. Left unchecked that practice would result in eternal punishment in hell. Paul loved them and did not want them to end up in hell. So, he had to go through the discomfort of writing them a letter he knew could have ruined their relationship. They had to go through the discomfort of having their sin called out and rebuked. But, the outcome was they repented!

Lies foster complacency. If we view comfort as the highest goal, then we will never press on to maturity and we will never foster growth in others. Think about the times in your life where you have grown the most as a person. They were probably not the most comfortable times of your life! We grow when we are challenged. We grow when we find out that we are deficient in some area and decide that deficiency is unacceptable.

Truth does not mean malicious bluntness. People have a bad tendency to be “all-or-nothing,” not telling the truth or being painfully blunt with their honesty. Ephesians 4:15 tells us to speak the truth in love. We need to foster the skill of being honest in a way that encourages growth rather than tearing others down. This can be a hard skill to learn because each person is different. So we need to learn empathy. We need to learn to think before we speak. We need to consider the way we say things as well as what we say. A painful truth delivered with compassion and kindness will do more for a person than a comforting lie ever could.